Personality Disorder

Personality disorders are conditions in which an individual differs significantly from an average person, in terms of how they think, perceive, feel or relate to others.

NHS Website

We agree that sadly, there remains stigma in society generally against people with mental health issues. But many people who have a diagnosed mental illness are good parents. If you are worried about how your mental health will be perceived in care proceedings, you might be interested in our post about parents with mental health difficulties.  You might also find something helpful in our links and resources page

Until fairly recently, there were a limited number of identified ‘mental illnesses’ which were clearly defined and considered quite extreme. There has been a shift towards recognising as mental illnesses some less extreme and more subjectively defined ‘disorders’. There has been  an increase in identified mental disorders from from 106 in 1952, to 297 in 1994.

Debate over why and how we are diagnosed with a mental illness

This causes concern to some:

Such subjective “disordering” of what some might think “normal” behaviour already results in it being possible to diagnose more than a quarter of the population with some form of personality disorder and be at risk of losing their children…

The emphasis on ‘diagnosing’ a particular problem may mean we lose sight of what is happening for the person who is the subject of the diagnosis. As Dr Lucy Johnston said:

In essence, instead of asking ‘What is wrong with you?’, we need to ask ‘What has happened to you?’,” … Once we know that, we can draw on psychological evidence to show how life events and the sense that people make of them have led to the current difficulties.

However, its important to understand the implications of being diagnosed with a personality disorder – they  are often a feature of care proceedings as they can have a serious negative impact on how people parent.

It is clear that many parents find it difficult to understand what is meant by a ‘personality disorder’ or what they can do to change the way they think and act to make their lives easier and better.

What is a personality disorder?

‘Personality’ is the word to describe what makes us who we are – how we think, feel and behave. Personalities are usually developed by the time we are in our teens, therefore if someone is going to have problems with their personality, it often becomes noticeable around this time.

You may be told you have a ‘personality disorder’ if you have ways of thinking and acting that are getting in the way of you living your life happily. This is because the way you react to negative feelings or difficult times in your life, can make it difficult for you to form healthy and happy relationships with those close to you – such as your partner or your children.

Dr George Stein, a Consultant Psychiatrist at the Priory Hospital describes it in this way:

We all have a personality and some of us are odd; for example an eccentric and obsessional barrister might be considered ‘an abnormal personality’ in a statistical sense but this is not the same as a personality disorder. Schneider defined personality disorder as ‘an abnormal personality who brings harm to themselves and to others by virtue of their personality’.

They are a common mental health condition – about 1 in 20 adults in England is estimated to have a personality disorder. They can range in seriousness from mild to moderate to severe. A mild personality disorder may only cause you problems in times of particular stress and worry, and otherwise you may find little or no impact on your day to day life.

The Royal College of Psychiatrists describes it in this way:

For whatever reason, parts of your personality can develop in ways that make it difficult for you to live with yourself and/or with other people. You don’t seem to be able to learn from the things that happen to you. You find that you can’t change the bits of your personality (traits) that cause the problems. These traits, although they are part of who you are, just go on making life difficult for you – and often for other people as well.

Other people will often have noticed these traits from your childhood and early teens. For example, you may find it difficult to:

  • make or keep close relationships
  • get on with people at work
  • get on with friends and family
  • keep out of trouble
  • control your feelings or behaviour
  • listen to other people

Why do some people develop a personality disorder?

Probably both genetics and environment have something to do with this. If you had to grow up in a stressful or abusive environment as a child this may make you more vulnerable to developing a personality disorder later in life and this vulnerability could be increased by genetic factors.

Types of personality disorder

There are a number of different personality disorders . They are grouped into three ‘clusters’ according to the different traits people demonstrate.

  • Cluster A Schizoid/paranoid – people who are often isolated and withdrawn but not psychotic;
  • Cluster B Anti-scocial/borderline – more extroverted types who may be involved in crime or are emotionally unstable;
  • Cluster C Avoidant/anxious/dependent – not often seen in care proceedings.

Those whose personality disorder falls within Cluster B, such as those with  borderline personality disorder (BPD), are at serious risk of losing their children in care proceedings.  This is because the traits that identify them as suffering a BPD, such as explosive reactions to others, often mean they lack support from family or a partner.

BPD is not a particularly helpful label – it got its name because it used to be thought that people with this disorder were on the ‘borderline’ between neurosis (mentally distressed but aware of reality) and psychosis (finds it hard to distinguish reality and delusion).

Now it is agreed that a more helpful way of understanding borderline personality disorder is to look at it as a condition that causes problems with the way people feel and how they interact with others.

What’s the impact of a personality disorder on parenting?

Parents have described having a PD as very challenging, not just for them but for anyone they live or work with. Life can seem like a ‘battle’ everyday and people can feel empty and worthless, rejecting other people before they get rejected.

Children need safe environments from an early age to learn how to handle their own emotions. If a child doesn’t get that, he or she is more likely to grow up and develop abnormal patterns of behaviour. A study of prisoners with personality disorders showed that they reported adverse childhood experiences and victimisation more frequently than those who did not have a personality disorder (see the Journal of Forensic Psychiatry and Psychology vol 19 Issue 4 Dec 2008).

Minna Daum of the Anna Freud Centre described the impact on parenting in this way:

‘Personality disorder is a disorder of social relationships…Parents have had traumatic backgrounds where they have not been held in mind. They therefore feel unsafe in all their relationships. It is therefore a HUGE challenge to become a parent and enter a relationship that they cannot duck out of, or become angry and aggressive in’

An adult’s personality is a key aspect of parenting because your personality impacts on how you regulate how you are feeling and how you handle relationships with other people. ‘Good enough’ parenting is likely to requires the following  ‘psychological capacities’ (Adshead, 2015):

  • being able to manage your own anxiety without becoming angry or frightened.
  • the ability to plan and think ahead
  • the ability to respond to another person in distress with empahty
  • the ability to work with others who are also involved with your child’s welfare – schools, other parents etc
  • the ability to ask for help
  • the ability to tolerate negative emotions without taking impulsive action or assuming the worst
  • a sense of humour and ability to find enjoyment in life.

What’s the impact of personality disorder on care proceedings?

Impact on working with professionals

The problems that parents with PD can have interacting with people can then be made worse if they have to deal with social workers who don’t know much about mental illness. If the professionals lack understanding, the parents can feel ‘put on trial’ – which is likely to make parents feel frightened, increase their defensiveness and block understanding and a good working relationship. Warmth and compassion are good traits for a professional to demonstrate when trying to build a relationship with a parent who has a PD.

One of our contributors describes it in this way:

Many people with a diagnosis of personality disorder manage well as parents. However, some parents with diagnoses of personality disorder do need some help. Most people with a diagnosis of personality disorder have a history of childhood abuse or neglect, and some may therefore need guidance in understanding how to keep their own children safe and cared for. Many people with a diagnosis of personality disorder struggle to manage relationships and emotions, and some may therefore need support in responding to the behaviour of their children. Some people with a diagnosis of personality disorder cope with stress in self-destructive ways such as by self-harm, substance abuse, eating problems or sexual risk-taking, and these people may need help in ensuring that their children are not affected by their behaviour. It is this latter category – those parents who are harming themselves, and whose children are witnessing them harming themselves or whose unborn children are affected by them harming themselves – who are most likely to attract the concern of professionals.

However, before allowing a Social Worker to remove a child from a parent with a personality disorder, the court must ensure that everything possible has been done to help and support the parent. In the past, personality disorders were regarded as ‘untreatable’ and some people with diagnoses of personality disorder may still be told they are ‘untreatable’: however, this attitude is now recognised as discriminatory and does not remove from statutory services the legal obligation to try and help. There is help and support available for people with diagnoses of personality disorder: treatments such as mentalisation-based therapy (MBT), dialectic behaviour therapy (DBT), cognitive analytic therapy (CAT) and therapeutic communities have been demonstrated as reasonably effective. Therefore, unless a person with a diagnosis of personality disorder is refusing all help, their Social Worker must do everything possible to find them the support they need before considering whether to take their children away.

These kind of cases may be ones where it is ‘necessary’ to instruct an expert to help the court understand what kind of help is available, how long it will take and how much it will cost.  See section 13 of the Children and Families Act 2014 which determines when the court can seek an expert report.

Impact on timescales – what happens in the care proceedings if I need treatment for PD?

It used to be thought that personality disorders couldn’t be treated and that most people would see an improvement in how they functioned as they got older. However, doctors now believe that personality disorders can be treated by either ‘talking therapies’ or medication.

People with personality disorders need help to change their maladaptive patterns of behaviour and to develop new ways of coping with stress. Often, acting impulsively is a problem. Dialectical Behavioural Therapy is recommended by the Department of Health; it’s a type of cognitive behavioural therapy which teaches skills to cope with stress, regulate emotions and improve relationships with others.

For further discussion about ways to treat BPD, visit the NHS website.

The big problem when personality disorders are part of care proceedings is that the treatment on offer might not be easily accessible via the NHS or it might be argued that successful treatment would take too long and your child cannot wait for you to complete the treatment. It is therefore very important to establish as soon as you can what is the nature and seriousness of your personality disorder and what treatment is available.

Funding for treatment is often  a problem. There is a helpful article here discussing funding options either through the NHS or the LA.

The Haven Project identified the necessary building blocks to engage with and help parents with PD.

  • a sense of safety and building trust
  • feeling cared for
  • a sense of belonging and community
  • learning boundaries
  • containing experiences and developing skills
  • identifying hopes, dreams and goals
  • achievements
  • transitional recovery

Anti depressants may help some people, particularly those with ‘explosive’ traits.

Further information, help and support

Association for Family Therapy and Systemic Practice –  members work with children, young people and adults, couples, families and individuals, enabling them to build on strengths and understandings and find ways forward in their lives.

Emergence – personality disorder website – aims to make life changing differences for everyone affected by personality disorders through education and support.

Counselling Directory- find a counsellor or psychotherapist near you.

Mind – mental health charity, providing advice and support to empower anyone experiencing a mental health problem. Campaigns to improve services, raise awareness and promote understanding.

Rethink Mental Illness – operating since 1972, helping people living with conditions like schizophrenia, bipolar disorder, personality disorders and more to recover a better quality of life.

Parental Mental Health and Child Welfare Network [2010] A report ‘Living with Personality Disorders, Supporting Better Parenting’.

on 11th January 2018 the British Psychological Society welcomed a new consensus statement about personality disorders – ‘People with complex mental health difficulties who are diagnosed with a personality disorder

The BPS commented:

The Society is supportive of the joint professional and expert by experience call to action to stop the exclusion of people who have been diagnosed, or would be diagnosed, with personality disorder from mental health services and to reduce the associated health and social inequalities and disadvantages that lead to a much lower life expectancy.

Of equal importance is the recognition of the research that for many people it is social inequalities, discrimination and adverse childhood experiences that are the main causal factors in (cause) the difficulties they experience.

16 thoughts on “Personality Disorder

  1. Pingback: Personality Disorder | Child Protection Resourc...

  2. Busisiwe

    I cant take care of my child am still young am at school couse iwas tryong hard to leatn so that the end ican suppot my child i realy love her so much she is my everything but icant let her saffer like no clothes no food to eat no good health she is sick icant take her to doctor she is 2years everything start to be strong icant now i tryd my best irealy love her

  3. Sarah Phillimore Post author

    All you can do is your best. I am sure your child knows how much you love her and that is very important. I hope you can get some help and support in real life.

  4. Jo blogs

    If you have bpd and seek help will you be viewed as a danger to your children straight the way, do social services have to be made aware? I want to get help but this scares me as I couldn’t loose my kids they are my life. I would give my last breath for them and I may be many things but a bad mother I am not.

    1. Sarah Phillimore Post author

      If there is anything in your life that you struggle with, that you need some help for – it is always best to make people aware and ask for help. Many, many people have a mental illness. Many parents have a mental illness and they manage ok – but I think they do this by being open and honest about what they find difficult and asking/accepting help. No one can take your children away just because you have a personality disorder – the SW would have to prove to a court that because of your PD you were causing your children significant harm, or there was a serious risk you will cause them significant harm in the near future.

      I know it can be really hard as one feature of many PDs is that it makes it more difficult to form relationships with other people, especially if you feel threatened/challenged by them. But there is not some perfect template of family life to which we all have to stick. People are very diverse – and so are families. As long as your children are not suffering harm they must be with their family. And you should get help if you need it. But I also appreciate that often the help is not readily available. Its a tough situation. But please do ask for help if you need it – don’t try to struggle alone and let things get worse, as then you do increase the risk that a SW will want to investigate how you are caring for your children. Asking for help shows insight and its generally a good thing to do.

  5. TC

    This is a very interesting post and I thank the author.

    Just a few comments:
    This was my favourite quote in the post:

    In essence, instead of asking ‘What is wrong with you?’, we need to ask ‘What has happened to you?’,” … Once we know that, we can draw on psychological evidence to show how life events and the sense that people make of them have led to the current difficulties.

    I had a meeting with a NEW Director of Children’s Services a few weeks ago. I was very proud of myself! I was calm, cool and collected, rational, reasonable, open listening, etc for 37 of 40 minutes. (This is a record for me!) When I was losing my composure for that 3 minutes, my Husband touched my hand and said ‘You must understand. My Wife has had so many negative experiences of your staff over an extended period of time. They show her no dignity, no respect, they parrot back false information in your files about her and basically treat her like dirt. My Wife was formally diagnosed with PTSD a few years ago. The source on the diagnosis is ‘Dealings with Children’s Services’. She has, with no help from anyone, undertaken a course of EMDR and CAT. But you have just used some words that are her ‘triggers’. But she still has some mild anxiety when dealing with your staff.’ (I have had some pretty horrific experiences- people say I should write a book- but no one would believe me- even though it is all documented)

    My second observation (and I am willing to be told I am wrong) is that social care practioneers have little if any training in cultural awareness. For example, I am from a culture where the second someone says that they are employed in any job where the government pays your salary, you shut up and if they get pushy, you push back and remind them of your rights. ‘Never let anyone from the government know your business’ (And my Father was a career government employee!) As this is the culture I was brought up in, I of course have been labeled by CS in the UK as ‘incapable of working openly and honestly with professionals.’.

    Now you may be wondering what my second observation has to do with the topic of this post, Well, unless you understand the cultural norms of the person you are dealing with, you can either misunderstand that person, think they are ‘odd’, think their logic and methods of doing things is ‘weird’, that the tone of their voice and inflection sounds aggressive or threatening, etc and basically form a negative opinion. *As they say, we all make a judgment of a person within the first 30 seconds.

    And sometimes that person’s communication style, body language, etc are so unfamiliar to a person, that it is easier to label them with a MH or PD than to actually understand the person.

    Just my two pennies.
    **As it came up somewhere else today, I post as TC because of legal advice. However, I can confirm that the CPR do know who I am.

    1. helensparkles

      I can respond to your second query and you are right it is very relevant to how we perceive people. SW do have training in cultural diversity, it is on going throughout their career. BUT they still might not know some aspects of your culture, perhaps the one you mention. I think I would need you to tell me that so we could work out a way of working together.

      As well as the aspects of another culture I might be aware of, there is also diversity and difference within cultures, and norms are not simplistic. In general, SW work with all kinds of people, and whilst training is important, so is learning from that person about them.

      I can see that your communication hasn’t gone well with SW and I am glad that you had a good meeting.

  6. Pingback: Adoption: “Nothing else will do” and the impact of decisions much earlier in the child protection process about mental health assessments and provision of therapy | The Transparency Project

  7. jonny mogun

    I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder. i currently live with my partner and her daughter i am about to start therapy for my disorder but my partner is worried that child protection will take her daughter from her. i have moved out of our house for the time being as im worried for them both. my partners social worker is trying to get my partner to sign a statement that says she cannot resume the relationship with me. is this aloud?? we want to continue with our relationship as long as i get the help and treatment that’s needed. whats the best way to go about things??

    1. HelenSparkles

      Nobody can stop two adults having a relationship with each other, but they can say that it isn’t safe for children to live with them if they do, whatever the reason. Not everyone with a personality disorder is a risk to children, but you have moved out so maybe you recognise that there are issues? I would suggest treatment and seeing your partner when the children aren’t around, so they can’t witness any of those issues, whatever they are. Perhaps the safety planning could involve the children going to a trusted friend/relative when you see each other? I don’t know what the issues are but you sound like you wouldn’t want to put anyone a risk either.

      1. Angelo Granda

        Jonny, Only a Court can say you must leave home and part you from your partner and her daughter. You have done so voluntarily which is fine if you prefer to have treatment because of issues. Clearly you accept your personality disorder makes you hard to live with and that you require some kind of treatment. However, as an ordinary citizen like yourself ( not a professional) I advise you to discourage your partner from signing any statements or agreements. The social worker’s have no right to force her to cease any relationship with you just because you are suffering from a disorder . Your partner has a duty to keep her daughter safe . It is not the Social Worker’s duty to do so at least not until they go to Court and obtain an order which says they share parental responsibility with your partner. It is sometimes claimed that the Local Authorities will target vulnerable families and get Mum’s to sign these statements not in a child’s best interests but to interfere with the child’s family life without obtaining an order. Often they exercise coercive control over Mum’s by threatening to remove their children and I suggest that is what happened here which is why your partner is so worried. If she does sign it and then later on she speaks to you again or even if she is in contact by ‘phone with you, this will give the give the L.A. the chance to go to court for an order on the grounds she is uncooperative and is unable to understand their concerns etc.etc. In my opinion that is malpractice ; most decent Social Workers recognise this and will work together with her and you to support the family and help you both to keep the child safe.
        However, sometimes the L.A’S prefer not to offer support and work within the legal frameworks. They have lawyers working for them and these lawyers direct the Social Workers and tell them to sign these agreements for their own motives. Sometimes they misuse S20 agreements(voluntary accommodation) too and take children away without a court order.
        So what do I advise? Once again, I remind you I am not a qualified adviser just an ordinary parent but we find that parents with their own experience of the system are the best advocates. At least we are on your side!
        I suggest that your partner contacts an independent advocate immediately who will keep her advised as to her family rights and the child’s human rights. The advocate will help her deal with the Local Authority and may even attend meetings and so on with her. A mediator is very helpful in these situations and help to enforce the rules and cut out professional malpractice. Actually, the Social Worker’s should already have informed her of her right to advocacy and given her the details of a local service. If not tell her to contact The Family Rights Group (FRG) on whose website she can obtain advice sheets, have access to a telephone advice line and an advice forum . The Government help to fund the FRG to provide advocacy to parents; it is part of the working together frameworks of the Children Act. Tell her if the Social Workers tell her to keep off the internet and take no notice of on-line advice she should take no notice. She is entitled to advocacy! Plus the FRG will tell her how to go about enlisting support from extended family.
        As far as you are concerned, you can contact them too but also you can ask for advice from your therapist.
        Hope this advice is of some help .Good luck in the future.

  8. Simon

    Hi there my partner as als got bpd and is awaiting dbt its been like living in hell ive been booted out of my house because of how she goes of ive ever in all of my 42 years seen anything like it she smashes things up constantly texes me up all day at work if i dont answer or reply she goes into a rage which some days a didnt want to go home she as 3 kids to which ive become very fond of we also have a son togther and hes absoultey gorgeous i also have 2 daughters to my ex but she wont allow me to see them as my partner use to be her freind !yes we was having an affair i fell completey madly inlove my partner is stunning and funny and caring she is the only girl ive every put an engagement ring on her finger i so want to marry her one day that is my goalbut this stupid illness is getting in the way but nothing seems to be going our way we are not allowed to have contact because when she flipped out on me she attacked me and i put my foot up in the air to protect myself i was laid on the bed at the time she was in astate and i didnt know what to do or say for fear of upsetting her i wanted to put my arms around her but ive tried that loads of times before but just get told to go away !she texed her mum saying i kicke her in the face when i didnt so her mum phoned the police to which they came and even tho id done nothing wrong i was made to leave the house and sleep rough in my vechicle for two days i got myself somewhere to stay ! And i manged to see one of my daughters i got to see again but that as stopped again but any how as i picked my daughter up i drove upto to get something to eat but my partner drove past us and my daughter informed me so i decided in was best if i took a different direction but before i knew it my partner had turned round so quick and was right up my rear end of the car she even tried to make me stop by pulling at the side of me to cut me up i manged to get away but my partner tex my say i knew it all along you was cheating and that i was a dirty lieing cheating so and so i only had my daughter in the car she mistaken her for a women but she is very parnoid and very impulsive she as thrown out my clothes and work tools in the bin which have cost alot of money she always say i hate her and that i dont love i respond on a tex message saying your stupid or your thick to which she says im abusive but i dont see this as been and she tells social services i am and they belive her i just get frustrated coz when she in that mood bpd which last nearly 2 days i have hell on texes from her its like mental torture and i feel like where is someone supporting me nonone ive lost family members because they dont understand i feel isolated at times but im still here hoping and praying for my goal to see her stood there in her whit dress taken her vows with me i feel like once social services have got there teeth into something they wont let go i get they are protecting the children but they are defiantly making things worse and it doesnt help what with the cut backs in the nhs plus the sorcity we live in what with social media i decide to come of fb my partner was that impulsive she had a non molestation order against me in her moment of the 2 day outburst which i am led to believe she deeply regrets i understand from what i get told she loves me and misses me so much but there is to be no contact we but she awaiting dbt which should be happening anytime soon i hope that it does work because i want my family back who i miss dearly the social services say ive got to go on a course its rotheram rise course in how to learn how to control myself but im not sure if this will serve me good and im looking at other support networks to for love ones who deal with bpd any advice would be welcome as i feel like i dont now where to turn

  9. Nicola Corr

    Hi, my cousin has BPD and in a recent episode a member of the family called the police. This has triggered Social Services – who are currently not treating this as a crisis as the little one’s grandparents are helping out with childcare.

    However, both parents (my cousin and her husband) are naturally concerned about what the implications could be now that Social Services will be involved, and I wondered if anyone had any advice I could offer them. As well as having to cope with BPD, she is still suffering the trauma of a previous abusive marriage, and the loss of custody of her eldest daughter to her ex.

    To be honest, my heart breaks for them all. When she is well, my cousin is the best mother any child could wish for – she is loving, nurturing, caring, and a delight to see her engaging with her 2 year old. Obviously though, when she is unwell, she is unable to even care for her own needs.

    This is certainly an illness that affects the entire family, and it is such a cruel illness in so many ways. The stigma in the ‘name’ of the disorder itself does not help people to understand the daily struggles those living with it face. I hope such stigma and lack of knowledge and understanding can soon become historic – those suffering don’t choose to be ill, and deserve as much understanding, support and compassion as those suffering from ANY illness – mental or physical.

    1. Sarah Phillimore Post author

      It is a really difficult situation. My advice fwiw is this – be as honest and open as you can about the challenges and what support you need to deal with them. It sounds really positive that there is good family support around. Hopefully children’s services will work WITH you and the wider family to have a safety plan in place so that any periods of mental ill health will not result in a crisis and any emergency response.

  10. Lisa Taylor

    I have severe borderline personality disorder child’s in care goin through court, they say my history isn’t good an cont keep stable. For long period of times my argument is that’s my past I hav ntbbeen sectioned in over two years so there fore I’m progressing right? Don’t think there willing to let me prove myself, my baby’s sw don’t have the knowledge I dnt think I don’t know but I get a vibe or sense from her that maybe she thinks iv got cognitive issues the whole situation is so wrong there is hardly any communications between me and sw

    1. Sarah Phillimore Post author

      Sorry to hear this – communication is often a problem between parents and social workers. do you have a lawyer? Can they help?

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