Concerns about ’emotional abuse’ play a big part in some people’s anxieties about how the current child protection system operates. Some worry it is too nebulous or uncertain a concept, or it isn’t serious enough to justify removing a child from parents who love him. Some go as far to say that only a criminal conviction for assaulting a child should be reason to remove.
We want to try and dispel some of the myths and fears about ’emotional abuse’ and explain why it is so serious and can be so damaging. Here, an abuse survivor gives her view about the meaning of ’emotional abuse’, the common ways we try to deny it is happening and why it so important to protect children from it.
Myth Busting about Emotional Abuse
Something that I was really shocked to learn recently is that hardly anybody has a clue about what emotional/psychological abuse is. Unfortunately, many people are enough powerful to be given space on newspapers and media outlets and they keep spouting nonsense about the matter. Now…. As a child abuse survivor, who stood emotional abuse for years in my family, I will try to bust a few myths and wrong assumptions about it. I am, of course, no journalist or psychiatrist so I will also quote other websites that clearly explained it better than I ever could. I will start with myth busting and then I will list a few things that constitute emotional abuse.
Disclaimer: I use the pronoun ‘he’ all through the article and it is just for convenience. I know very well that women/mothers can be abusive too.
Emotional abuse is always better than being physically abused.
No. “Emotional abuse is like brain washing in that it systematically wears away at the victim’s self-confidence, sense of self-worth, trust in their own perceptions, and self-concept. Whether it is done by constant berating and belittling, by intimidation, or under the guise of “guidance,” “teaching,” or “advice,” the results are similar. Eventually, the recipient of the abuse loses all sense of self and remnants of personal value. Emotional abuse cuts to the very core of a person, creating scars that may be far deeper and more lasting than physical ones” (Engel, 1992, p. 10). I’ve really dim memories about my father beating me up, however it happened maybe four times in twenty years. It is not even something that can hurt you once the physical injuries are gone. Emotional scars can. They’re still with me at this day, the abuse lasted nearly twenty years, so be sure I do fully remember it.
Emotional abuse doesn’t exist and surely it is not something that you can report to police.
This is an assumption I often came across through all my life. Emotional and psychological abuse are classified as Domestic Violence in England and Wales (DA, Domestic Abuse in Scotland), yet you can’t report the abuser to police if what you’re getting is just emotional abuse. Given that it is not considered something you can get prosecuted for, many people assume it doesn’t exist. It doesn’t work that way. As reported in Women’s Aid website “One problem is that the criminal prosecution process focuses on incidents and ignore the fact that domestic violence involves a pattern of ongoing and controlling behaviour. The criminal law can also only rarely provide a remedy for emotional abuse – which can also have a serious and lasting impact on a woman or child’s sense well-being and autonomy.”
Emotional Abuse is shouting
It can include shouting, but not necessarily. The most skilled abusers can abuse without ever rising their voice. It is what they say that counts, not how loud they say it.
I was abused by my husband/boyfriend/partner but children were in another room.
That is an excuse I often heard from my mum and it is pitiful. I lost count of how many times I told her we were not stupid and that her crying and being depressed and sad made us upset too. If a child loves his/her mother, it is quite natural that you are participating to her grief and sorrow and whatever is going on in other rooms. And if one of your parents is getting abuse, unless they are made of stone, it will show and children will see. The assumption “they don’t see, they don’t understand” makes your children feel stupid and encouraged to make assumptions on their own about what happened behind closed doors. DON’T do it, ever.
I can’t be emotionally abused, he never hit me, assaulted or raped me
This is the most famous myth about emotional abuse. Whilst if you get hit or assaulted or raped you are also emotionally abused, it is not true the opposite. You can be emotionally abused although you’ve never been hit/assaulted/raped.
He is just depressed/bipolar/a mental health patient, he is not an abuser. We’ll solve it together.
Many people associates ‘abuse’ with ‘mental illness’. The most surprising thing is that usually they don’t go hand in hand at all. Of course, your abuser can also be mentally ill, but to say that all abusers are mentally ill is wrong. It is, very often, true the opposite… indeed many abusers are totally sane! Quoting L. Bancroft here “Their value system is unhealthy, not their psychology. An abuser’s core problem is that he has a distorted sense of right and wrong” (‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft. Its price is cheap and it is an endless source of advice and information, buy it or borrow it if you can. It was an eye opening experience, believe me).
He is not well but he is doing everything in his power to get well.
I’ve very bad news for you. Only a few abusers ever recover, because to go through a counselling program that would improve their behaviour also means they’ve to admit they abused someone. That is unlikely to happen. Women like to think they can change their partners as well as children who think they can change their parents’ behaviour towards them. This is what is meant when you hear “risk of emotional harm”. The majority of women think that once the ‘issue’ of abuse is solved, even temporarily, everything will go well. It is just delusion. According to several psychiatrists and also Bancroft, “the majority of abusive men do NOT make deep and lasting changes even in a high-quality abuser program”. If your partner/husband is abusive and mentally ill, DO keep in mind they can be intertwined but if he gets treatment for his disease doesn’t automatically mean he won’t be abusive anymore.
He’s abusing me because he loves me. It is his way of loving me.
No, no and then.. NO! He is abusing you because he is angry, controlling and well… an abuser! Abuse is NOT love. It took me forty years to understand that but I’m now 200% sure that any loving relationship is an abuse-free one. “Many people reserve their best behaviour and kindest treatment for their loved ones, including their partners. Should we accept the idea that these people feel love less strongly, or have less passion, than an abuser does? Nonsense.” (L. Bancroft 2002)
I wonder how many professional involved in child protection services are aware of the countless numbers of single Fathers seeking contact with their children through the Family Courts are suffering grave emotional abuse as a direct result of how easily Mothers’ can ( and are) using spurious claims of ’emotional abuse’ as a strategic weapon to contest applications for contact?
Claiming to be a victim of emotional abuse ( a form of Domestic Violence) entitles the ‘victim’ to apply for legal aid ; eagerly assisted and encouraged by their Solicitors who of course stand to benefit financially through such practices. A letter from a GP or similar health professional is sufficient to support the claim.
As ever , the Court ( and SS aka CAFFCASS) is inclined to believe the Mother’s claims. The Father then faces a protracted uphill struggle , mostly representing himself or placing himself 000’s in debt to pay for a Solicitor , trying to defend himself against such false allegations.
Think about it – no need to provide substantive evidence of physical harm , its simply ‘her word against his’.
Fathers with enough emotional resilience to withstand the trauma of being denied access to their children; whilst defending themselves against what can be quite shocking misrepresentations of their character in the Family Courts , can then expect to be awarded the indignity of seeing their children in a supervised contact arrangement; and then , if ‘they are good boys and play the game’ they might be allowed greater contact in more natural settings.
You might well think this is a gross exaggeration of what is happening daily in our Family Courts, in which case I suggest you look at a few of the very scarce resources of assistance for Fathers in the UK and look at the online conversations of Fathers going through this hell . Lets say that just 20% of these Fathers are sincere and the other 80% emotional abusers in denial. This is still an outrageous and a gross instance of injustice and gender inequality – because it is women rather than men who are using this tactic .
For the record , Im an ageing ‘old school’ feminist who recognises that sadly more Men than Women inflict domestic violence upon their partners; and that prolonged , intentional and malicious emotional abuse is a form of domestic violence. I am supporting my Son who is seeking contact with his Son ( and of course my Grandson) through this hell which is traumatising both of us.
I came across this site whilst researching sources of information which may be of assistance.
I don’t agree with your central premise – that courts are biased in favour of mothers. I am afraid that both mothers and fathers behave appallingly and use their children as pawns in their battles. I would say it is a pretty equal split between the sexes when it comes to bad behaviour. The court does its best, but there is a limit to what it can do when faced with adult emotional dysfunction. I explain my position further here
https://childprotectionresource.online/disputes-between-parents-about-seeing-their-children/
I apologise but no not true you sound like my current partner against women and claiming to be a victim when he hates women and treats them bad because his mother disrespected herself as a woman so every woman he meets he believes does not deserve respect. Let me say one thing I’m a mother of two beautiful girls I work and care for my home, my whole life is my girls. I no social life because my girls and my job is my priority and I’m with a man who punishes me because of his mother’s faults. He doesn’t care what I do I’m always wrong and if I pull him up on it he tells me to go get my lady parts out for another man. Why I don’t know but I’m an amazing mother and good partner and I know that if our relationship went south he’d be on here saying what you are because he’s sleezy and knows what to say and how to say it because he’s got his back rehearsed already because he’s artifical fake and I’m real and I don’t want ppl to take my side I must tell it how it is
Hi I have been in denial for sometime about the emotional abuse but it is now effecting my children. My husband shouts and screams and even hits my daughter round the back of the head when she screams she has special needs so she is at a special needs school. They have noticed a change in her she is withdrawn and is wetting herself. So I thought I need to do something so I spoke to her teacher and Home link worker and confided in them as I can’t take it anymore. They are going to notify social services. I have no family and not many friends so I feel very alone and scared of what social services will do. I work full time and my husband does not work but we live in a council house which is in joint tenancy. Please can you give me some advice as I can’t take it anymore.
I am sorry to hear that. It sounds very stressful and hard for you all. Sorry, its very difficult to offer advice to anyone on a small snapshot of the situation. I can only make some general points –
Do you want to stay with your husband?
If so, he needs to admit there is a problem and try to change. You need to ask the SW what support is available to help him.
If you don’t want to stay with him then you need to think about what is going to happen in terms of where you both live and who will be looking after your daughter. If he won’t agree to move out, you can think about applying for an occupation order.
The social workers should be working with you to support you. If you feel that they are not, you will need to get legal advice.
Try the Family Rights Group. there are some other links here https://childprotectionresource.online/category/legal-advice/
Dear Veronica, If your husband is losing control and hitting your daughter,I suggest you do not leave him alone in charge of your children at all even if it means giving up work.If he has joint tenancy , get in touch with your housing officer as soon as you possibly can and he or she is likely to give you more help then Children’s Services will. If you have a community Policewoman, then telephone her and she will advise you what to do about your violent husband. He needs stopping even if it means reporting to the Police.You have been in denial so now you have to grasp the bull by the horns and put your house in order.
Get an advocate from a special needs organisation. It is extremely stressful caring for special needs children and that is what has brought out the worst in your husband.Even when both parents are working,it is difficult; it is essential they have periodic respite from caring duties and extra help.All that should really have been arranged ages ago.A week or two away for the child at intervals works wonders!
You must show that you are fully aware of the danger your children are in from him and act decisively.Get the advocate as i said and contact the housing officer and community Policewoman.They are paid to support you and they meet up with these problems regularly. Above all,they will be open and honest with you and tell you exactly what you should do.They are well-trained and will follow all the rules and procedures as per the text book guidelines.
You sound almost as worried about the involvement of the Social Workers as you do about the problem at home.That is understandable, given their bad reputation but do your best to cooperate when they come calling. Try and enlist the support of housing,community police and the advocate before they come to see you if you can and prove that you acknowledge all the problems.
The CS may want to také your children if they think you don’t. If possible make sure your advocate is with you. It does not matter what any of them say, it will be extremely harmful emotionally and physically if your children are removed from you into care.DO NOT sign an S20 form putting them into care voluntarily without advice from a solicitor.If they want you to,be strong and refuse.
Good Luck. Sarah has already given you information about the Family Rights Group.They have a helpline which you can ring anytime for support.
Hi Angelo,
You have so much trust in social services and the police. I wish I could say the same, however my exprience has been opposite. I reported to the police several times the abusive behaviour of my ex- boyfriend.
I’m sadly what comes after from the involvement of the police and social worker has been horrendous and beyond natural law of humanity. The social worker [name redacted – don’t think it is fair to name someone unless they have opportunity to defend themselves] from Southwark social services wrote a doctrine of the facts, character defamation my ability to take of my children.
Made a malign statement regarding my child medical condition without supporting evidence. I was oppressed and bullied just because I expressed want to explorers other alternatives that are suitable for my children needs and stability rather than acceptance of their obligations to whatever space they can find for my children. How is it better for my child to out of school and leave in refuge, hostile?
Is not that I was relying on them to find it. As parent I feel it’s my responsibility to do so that are fitting to my family needs. Why would they hinder me from doing so? Never mind the procedure not being followed.
To add more trauma, on the child protection record documents, the police made a clear lie that I let my ex- boyfriend stayed after the assault had occurred. What benefit does the police from this? My daughter was with the police officer [name redacted for same reasons as given above] to pick up the buggy from the house and they know that he fled my I called the police when the assault had occurred.
I would say think twice before getting them involved. If you can best to do it yourself and ask other sources for help. From my experience this has been a continued emotional abuse from the social services and the police who supposedly their to help and protect vulnerable family.
For the record, my ex- boyfriend was sentenced 105 days community services for an assault. His released despite he pose risk to my children and I. However we have to make drastic changes for doing nothing wrong. I reported the abuse.
Warm regards,
Mother Duck
Mother Duck, My suggestion was that women should contact their housing officer (if they have one) and/or the community policewomen first before reporting it to the real Police because they can offer help and advice particularly in respect of keeping records and compiling good evidence before going on to call the police.They may even install a panic alarm in your home.
Then when it happens again victims will have enough evidence on which to charge the abuser and ,if an alarm was installed, someone will arrive at the family home to witness circumstances whilst the abuse is in progress. If that happens, the Police ,when called,will have enough evidence, hopefully, to take the man into custody and charge him.
Plus, if the Police refer the case to the Social Services, the woman’s prior involvement with housing and community police SHOULD demonstrate to the satisfaction of any fair and impartial Court that the Mum is well aware of concerns and perfectly capable of safeguarding her children and herself.
Hope this clarifies my thinking.Thanks for yours and please continue to contribute.
Hiya I sadly agree since I managed to get my Husband out me and my special needs children have been subject to so much hassle from social services and no support infact turning our life’s upside down when all I want is for me and my children to be able to recover and enjoy a abuse free home . I kept our home did not go refuge as didn’t want uproot and disrupt children anymore. And now he’s upswing courts and Ss to bully me and I’m so scared and upset for my future for children if he succeeds on doing what he threatened throughout and when he ran when police came that he’s going to get them children in care !! I feel the support once you leave is scarce if not I haven’t found any help to stop this further abuse yet and seems to be social services are gradually squche the abuse even though punched daughter in head kicked in her tummy strangled and all sorts he’s admired punch in head but won’t anymore said it was her fault and social services saying I’m stopping contact but not children are scared and told them time and time again they don’t want him near them ! Also I’ve told them if children want to have contact and is safe to do so I’m ok with it but if like there saying they don’t want to I have to listen to their wishes and feelings as well as you should be In mean time I’m being accused of all sorts like not working with them and emotionally abuseing kids cos I’m not allowing contact that I’m mad!! I’ve had it all . What scares me someone I know experience exactly same and has sadly lost her kids . I know of a lot of others who same . Where is the help for when you leave and why don’t you get support after and why do social services do this punish us mums even more !! But yet they supposed to be here to protect children family’s but don’t seem to here that when you leave and then partner tells lies and continue to allow abuse from the partner through Ss?
I am sorry to hear this – if social services aren’t being helpful have you contacted Refuge or Women’s Aid? they might be able to do something to support you through this.
Veronica, I am just an ordinary parent advising you and it is genuine impartial advice.
It is totally unacceptable for a man to hit any child on the head and it is not on that a father should even ‘smack’ a girl! Nor should boys be smacked about the face or head.Shouting and screaming causes emotional harm so the children are suffering both physical and emotional abuse.
You have already,in fact, described very compelling reasons why your children need protection. I think you have finally realised that.Do not hide from those facts!
It is your responsibility to provide the protection.Your husband needs to reform.Neither you or the CS have the power to force him to change.The Police have an overriding responsibility to protect children,can také action and can make him change.
Do not shirk your responsibilities to the children and decline to press charges if the police suggest it. Your children také precedence over a smooth relationship with him.
The criminal courts can force him to change his ways. It can provide probationary services etc which the CS cannot provide.The CS are very poorly resourced and generally it cannot supply the support.It often prefers to také children into care.
To avoid that happening,i suggest you také my advice immediately not next week or the week after. Do not leave the children alone with the children for one day longer,Despite any good intentions he might have,he has lost it.The consequences are potentially disastrous and any danger to the children is more important than your work and career.
With the best will in the world,a father cannot provide children with the patient ,loving care of Mum! Indeed, that may be the UNDERLYING CAUSE of your family’s problems.
I’ve had my child taken away through domestic violence the thing I don’t get is in about 6 occasions the social services attended my property after I had been hospital with broken jaw , perferited ear drum ,I went one time for brain scan coz he jumped on my head X-ray on Body and black eyes and when they have come out I told them I done it to myself and they believed it say on report my ex was a decent man coz he workerd and that he seems to be helping me with my mental health he was a sooooo called good dad and everybody thought he was a amazing so how the hell could I tell them then on one occasion the police were called and he threatened that if he got nicked I was dead so I told the the police it was me kicking off and I put holes in the walls and smashed the house up and the gas the cheeck to say to my my little boy that I might be going in police car for a few hours and that I would be back meaning I was getting arrested the told social services that I was the aggressor and that I needed help with my mental hrdlth I mean really come on !!!!! Then I went to hospital with perforated ear drum and my boy came with me the nurses and doctors knew my ex had done it to me and still sent me and baby bs k home to him I mean come on how can a women tell any body that’s it’s going on if they all think she was the problem or no body listensd then when they eventually found out they took my baby away from me I’m left doing all the courses while missing my baby like he died it hurts so much plus I have got to go to sycothearpy social service order plus I have had to up ship and move starting again plus haven to deal with the crap I went through I mean where the he’ll is the justice in all this me and my son are now liven with out each other and both are hearts are broken and it’s sll coz not one person wanted to see listen or believe
I am really sorry to hear this Katie. But what I don’t understand – can you help me to understand? – is why you told people that you had done it to yourself? Was this because you were frightened you wouldn’t be believed? Why didn’t you feel safe telling someone? I think its really important for me to try and get my head round why so many women don’t ask for help much earlier.
Katie, It is hard to advise you now;it’s too late. I’m not a lawyer or social worker just an ordinary citizen like you . When presented with a case like yours,the first time the social worker attended your property , he or she should have been open and honest with you.There are right and wrong ways to approach a child-protection investigation and a collection of legal guidelines . The Children Act has within it Working Together frameworks which must be followed when dealing with vulnerable families . One of the guidelines says that in order to ensure folk like you understand what is going on , that the SW’s should inform you of your right to an independent advocate and help you contact one. Can you remember whether the guideline was followed? Did you have an advocate visit you to explain matters and attend meetings with you?
Or was the case conducted incorrectly?
It sounds to me like yours is a very serious case of d.v. and mental health problems combined. If the Police thought you were the aggressive one and you had mental health problems, then I suggest an advocate would be absolutely necessary and it would have to be one experienced in mental health problems.
If you do have M.H. problems then you should have been provided with an advocate straight away and ,in particular, a thorough forensic investigation should have been carried out by the Police. Were they suggesting that your injuries were self-inflicted?
N.G
February 25, 2020 at 9:34 pm
I am a victim of domestic abuse, I have got support from an idsva which I’ve had now for 3 years and getting intense therapy through safteynet as I am suffering from severe anxiety depression ptsd and chronic idiopathic hypertension because of the coersive control, mental emotional abuse ,manipulation I am still getting from the ex who I will add I haven’t been with for 3 years and in the 6 year relationship with him I have suffered some violence and sexual abuse which has been Nfa’d by the police as it can’t be proved as it was while it was in the relationship and didn’t have evidence to prove. I asked for a vrr which was also turned down.
But the reason for my comment is that I have fought for social services to become involved in my children’s life as the ex is abusing them mentally emotionally and physically, I have logged this with the police but it was nfa’d everytime but as soon as I play with my daughter and accidentally hurt her whilst playing boom the ex had social services on me like a rash they were put on a CIN plan and been proved that it was a waste of time, but trying to explain to the social services about how my children are suffering I’m frowned upon and being blamed for emotionally abusing them and also taking photo evidence of the bruises and logging them with the police which I was advised but social services seem to think that its tit for tat, I would like to say that I was in the abusive relationship for 6 years I was groomed I was then isolated by being made to move the other side of the country away from my support network and loved ones, then the abuse got worse he would use gas lighting, coersive control he would gord me making me react and hitting walls and taking it out on material things instead of him, he made me believe I was insane and pushed me to the point of trying to take my life twice making me feel that I was worthless that I’m the worlds worst mother my family hate me and dont love me.
My recent social worker has made me feel all those feelings again in 1 phone call I felt that I might as well just give up my life just to please the social worker and the ex but I had a little voice in my head who told me I was better than that and a lot stronger I have been through hell and I have kept strong for my children there was no way that, that phone call or the satisfaction that the ex would be feeling would take me down.
I have a safeguarding level 3 certificate that I trained hard for I didn’t do it for the fun of it, I take safeguarding children, vulnerable people and old people very seriously! And to try and safeguard my children from my sociopathic ex seems to be very hard as the ex is very good at manipulating and grooming the professionals to make them believe it is me who is to blame and I’m the sick twisted mother who is trying to destroy my childrens relationship with the ex,
NO!! I am all for my children having a safe and happy and healthy relationship with their father but that is not the case.
The ex has disrespected me infront of my children and has showed aggression he has told them mummy doesn’t care about them and that mummy is trying to take away them from him, he also has little chats with his family members and slags me off not realising that my children hear everything while playing as children are not stupid.
My children will come home and literally as their feet touch my threshold they tell me everything that has happened, trying to be gentle I say does mummy love you or does mummy care for you and I get yes and I say that’s all you need to know.
I am living in fear for my children, idols not want them growing up thinking they haven’t got self worth just like I did in my abusive relationship, I want my children to be confident to confide in me and be able to have healthy relationships between me and the ex but again it’s not the case my 10 year old (not the biological son of the ex but was added to the child enforcement order by him when he got a prohibited steps order out on me) stopped going to contact sept 2019 due to mental and emotional abuse, now my 7 year old (the biological son of the ex) has started noticing what his brother did and doesnt want to go, also I have noticed how much my 4year daughter loves her dad yet she is the one who comes home with the most Mark’s, I’m no detective but that shows me that the ex feels he is in control and feels superior to my poor 4 yr old which disgusts me.
It breaks my heart when I am sitting with my children and doing a positive list at mums and dads and a negative list, and the positive list for their dad they could only number 7 things yet they numbered 19 for me the negative list they numbered 17 things at dads but nothing for me yet I put 2 things down which were 1. I get upset easily infront of them and 2. When they dont get what they want when they misbehave.
Going back on track, with my recent social worker, as i stated I’m S.G lvl 3 and I am very close to going to the governing board as the children act of 1989 has already had an extention in 2004 by lord lemmings by how professionals failed to point out abuse that resulted Victoria climbie to fall to her death because of negligence, well I’m pointing out to social services that my ex is physically hurting my children and Im nipping it in the bud right now regardless to how mild the abuse is now, it will get worse as as the ex has already gotten away with it the 1st couple of times but next time my child is in hospital due to broken bones but that then gets dismissed again he is chuffed as he has got away with it, now this time my children or one of them dont come home but laying on a cold table and having police tell me that I’m going to have to bury them or either one, NOT ON MY WATCH, I’m stopping it now at the bruises they have suffered I will fight until social services believe what a sociopath my ex is, hes already got another victim and another child and I am fearful for that child too regardless if the child isn’t mine.
I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time. Do you have anyone in real life to talk to about what you are feeling – possibly some professional counselling?
I am also concerned to read this It breaks my heart when I am sitting with my children and doing a positive list at mums and dads and a negative list, and the positive list for their dad they could only number 7 things yet they numbered 19 for me the negative list they numbered 17 things at dads but nothing for me
Why are you sitting with the children and asking them to write these kind of lists? Who advised this?
It does sound to me like you are very heavily enmeshed with your ex and still suffering the after affects of the abusive relationship so I do think you need someone to talk to.
As a child born into and growing up in domestic violence, (now 51 year of age) it amazes me how the ( so called) professional people educated in domestic violence, think things will change or have changed, when nothing has changed.
No man, woman or child living with domestic violence is the same.
All the people they are told to contact for help are also not the same. Some care, some don’t.
I truly hope that every man, woman and child gets what they deserve in life.