I am grateful for this post from our regular contributor ‘Sam’ considering how the current system fails to deal adequately with issues of violence in relationships, putting victims and children at risk. What can we do to improve?
Recently the tragic case of Ellie Butler hit the media yet again. Despite having a history of violence Ellie’s father Ben Butler was exonerated by the family court and Ellie was left in his care resulting in her murder. As a result of this Sarah asked me to write something to put the jigsaw pieces together even though it was of course very close to home to me as any regular reader of this web site will know. I have banged my head against a brick wall for a number of years, firstly trying to escape from my abuser, then trying to be heard by agencies including the police and finally family court proceedings in the High Court, which left my ex husband with my children and myself on supervised contact. I have not seen one of my children who lives with him for over two years in breach of the court order. Once again even though he had a history of violence including threats to kill. Will it happen again to another child?
It is inevitable.
Crystal Ball Gazing
No I don’t have a crystal ball, but as well as my personal experience , I have connections with a considerable number of woman both on social media and in real life. Those of us who are parents have all have been through the family court system either in private or public law proceedings and we tell similar versions of same story. Hopefully this article goes some way into unpacking those stories and even start some change in awareness.
In 1971 the first women’s refuge opened in the UK. Unfortunately in 2016 we still need refuges despite the availably of court orders intended to keep the perpetrator away from the family home.
Anna is currently in a refuge, she fled from her allegedly abusive husband leaving her toddler behind. They were a respectable family on the surface, regular churchgoers and he was always with her, not in the pub like some men. Chris is now valiantly holding the fort as a single father, he has much sympathy within the community, where he likes to talk about how his wife couldn’t even cook a decent meal he had to teach her, was never interested in the baby from the day he was born. The accusations of abuse have come out of the blue, he knows nothing about abuse. Of course she was miserable when she was with him you could see that , rumour has it she may be mentally ill. If you probe a little deeper though it turns out that Anna and Chris had moved miles away from friends and family because a business he had set up had failed spectacularly. The toddler is clingy and far too quiet, though of course this delights the community who see him as a well behaved child not a damaged child. The family court has awarded residence to Chris.
Not only outsiders, but victims themselves do not initially see what is happening as domestic abuse, there is very little awareness , this both prolongs the abuse and leads to a time lag in reporting to the authorities.On average high-risk victims live with domestic abuse for 2.6 years before getting help – see safelives.org.uk.
What is domestic abuse?
The UK government’s definition of domestic violence is “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to psychological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional.”
It is very rarely just one of them, Donna is gay, she realised she had been subject to domestic violence after listening to heterosexual women discussing what had happened to them. In fact she had been in two abusive relationships, in one she was physically abused including being thrown against a wall as well as financially abused and kicked out of the home she owned, with her abuser changing the locks.In another she was subject to what could be termed coercive control , refused all affection including sex, being put down and once again financially abused. She has never reported to the police or as far as I know told anyone outside of her circle of friends. She suffers from very low self esteem.
Domestic violence shrinks your world, however if you are already marginalized , poverty, disability, care leaver, spouse of someone respectable etc firstly you are far more likely to be a victim and secondly you will struggle even more to get help.
Just leave ?
85% of victims sought help five times on average from professionals in the year before they got effective help to stop the abuse. It has long been documented that women living with domestic violence are anxious about the involvement of social services.
Examples of poor practice whilst living with abuse included:
- social workers visiting the family home to talk about domestic violence when the perpetrator was present;
- women being told to leave with nowhere to go to;
- the perpetrator not being held accountable for his actions; and
- social workers attributing men’s violence to ‘cultural differences’
After leaving the concerns about social work practice included:
- being made to go to meetings with the perpetrator;
- the perpetrator continuing to make allegations about them which then had to be investigated;and
- being held responsible for his behaviour.
Social services were making me go to meetings with this man. Solace wrote them a letter saying
that he’s high-risk, and in no circumstances should I have to attend meetings… They didn’t
listen… He just flew up off the chair, near enough hitting the table, and went to go for me. And
the social worker had to get in the middle (48, W4).
The dad hit the kids when they were on a visit to him. Social services were called in. We were
all interviewed, and he wasn’t. And it was signed off. But it went on for weeks on end. And I was
made to feel like the perpetrator (FG, W1).Even where women made complaints about poor practice, this did not make a difference.
As soon as you make a complaint against them they make your life hell (48, W3).
Many women expended considerable time and energy battling ‘the system’, and over the course of the study began to comment that their lives were now constrained by structural barriers. Some were even more explicit, arguing that they had swapped one form of control (by the abuser) for another – by the legal, welfare and housing systems.
You’ve battled to keep yourself safe; the children safe… and then there’s another battle with
housing, battle with the courts… it’s a constant battle for everything (FG, W1).
Thirteen long years, that’s how it feels, sort of ten years with him and three years of just battling
the system. You know I’m tired of it, just tired, and I want it to be over (36, W3).
Where women had the support of an advocate, usually via Solace, responses from other agencies improved, but our findings suggest there may be complacency about the extent of change there has been in agency responses.
Leah’s story: Leah is a professional woman,very talented in her field. Her perpetrator is also well thought of, he was in the forces and has several times been commended for bravery. They have a child with special needs. Leah is scared stiff of going to family court despite having won a civil action regarding his abuse. The CAFCASS officer has seen this report but still refuses to recognise the extent of the abuse nor will the police take criminal action. Leah like myself finds that agencies do not look behind the outer image a perpetrator presents, many are superficially charming, humorous,hard working and generous. Worse still agencies side with the perpetrator putting both children and victim at risk.
Family Court
Cases in the family court , like the one were Ellie Butler was handed back into her parents care are decided on the balance of probabilities, that is something is more likely to happened than not or conversely not more likely to happened than not.
Suzie’s story: Suzie was never physically beaten by her ex husband , he had however psychologically abused her, but had called the police when he punched one of her friends, she was fitted with secure locks and was seen as a high risk. During private proceedings, the social worker and CAFCASS both agreed that he should only have supervised contact. He wanted over nights or no contact at all. The judge ordered overnight contact. The children hated going, as their father left them to fend for themselves and got drunk. He paid no maintenance . Once he got into a new relationship he stopped seeing them altogether. Unfortunately his new girlfriend not only was psychologically abused she ended up being stabbed. Should the judge have weighed the case better?
How to stop another child dying
The short answer is you can’t, it is inevitable, but steps can be taken to lessen the chances that another father with a history of violence will kill his own child.
Knowledge is the final piece of the jigsaw. Firstly and most importantly victims do not have the knowledge to recognise signs of abuse when it is happening to them, normally it is not until they get some awareness and recover some self esteem that they do actually realise the extent of the control the perpetrator had over them. Being a victim is the equivalent of floundering into quicksand, you wriggle, shout for help and when none comes you stay still and quiet because every action makes matters far worse.
Professionals also need knowledge, especially being aware that domestic violence is multi faceted and do need to stop victim blaming. The victim needs a comfort blanket not a telling off, once they feel safe they will then be able to reflect, they can’t whilst they are still in fight or flight mode. There also needs huge awareness around the likely impact on the victim’s immediate presentation, they are going to seem unstable initially but once they are clear of the life threatening situation they have been living with they will get well.
Abusers do give out clues, even by watching them walk down the street with their family can be eye opening.
There are systematic failures of sharing of knowledge and evidence in this post Saville era. Police forces do not share reported incidents of child abuse unless there has been an arrest. In my view the failure to have specialist domestic violence courts adds to the problem, some judges simply do not understand, or want to.
Lastly and most importantly there needs to be a change in the public perception towards domestic violence, it needs to be as unacceptable as drink driving and as high profile.