I am grateful for this post from our regular contributor ‘Sam’ considering how the current system fails to deal adequately with issues of violence in relationships, putting victims and children at risk. What can we do to improve?
Recently the tragic case of Ellie Butler hit the media yet again. Despite having a history of violence Ellie’s father Ben Butler was exonerated by the family court and Ellie was left in his care resulting in her murder. As a result of this Sarah asked me to write something to put the jigsaw pieces together even though it was of course very close to home to me as any regular reader of this web site will know. I have banged my head against a brick wall for a number of years, firstly trying to escape from my abuser, then trying to be heard by agencies including the police and finally family court proceedings in the High Court, which left my ex husband with my children and myself on supervised contact. I have not seen one of my children who lives with him for over two years in breach of the court order. Once again even though he had a history of violence including threats to kill. Will it happen again to another child?
It is inevitable.
Crystal Ball Gazing
No I don’t have a crystal ball, but as well as my personal experience , I have connections with a considerable number of woman both on social media and in real life. Those of us who are parents have all have been through the family court system either in private or public law proceedings and we tell similar versions of same story. Hopefully this article goes some way into unpacking those stories and even start some change in awareness.
In 1971 the first women’s refuge opened in the UK. Unfortunately in 2016 we still need refuges despite the availably of court orders intended to keep the perpetrator away from the family home.
Anna is currently in a refuge, she fled from her allegedly abusive husband leaving her toddler behind. They were a respectable family on the surface, regular churchgoers and he was always with her, not in the pub like some men. Chris is now valiantly holding the fort as a single father, he has much sympathy within the community, where he likes to talk about how his wife couldn’t even cook a decent meal he had to teach her, was never interested in the baby from the day he was born. The accusations of abuse have come out of the blue, he knows nothing about abuse. Of course she was miserable when she was with him you could see that , rumour has it she may be mentally ill. If you probe a little deeper though it turns out that Anna and Chris had moved miles away from friends and family because a business he had set up had failed spectacularly. The toddler is clingy and far too quiet, though of course this delights the community who see him as a well behaved child not a damaged child. The family court has awarded residence to Chris.
Not only outsiders, but victims themselves do not initially see what is happening as domestic abuse, there is very little awareness , this both prolongs the abuse and leads to a time lag in reporting to the authorities.On average high-risk victims live with domestic abuse for 2.6 years before getting help – see safelives.org.uk.
What is domestic abuse?
The UK government’s definition of domestic violence is “any incident or pattern of incidents of controlling, coercive, threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between those aged 16 or over who are, or have been, intimate partners or family members regardless of gender or sexuality. The abuse can encompass, but is not limited to psychological, physical, sexual, financial, emotional.”
It is very rarely just one of them, Donna is gay, she realised she had been subject to domestic violence after listening to heterosexual women discussing what had happened to them. In fact she had been in two abusive relationships, in one she was physically abused including being thrown against a wall as well as financially abused and kicked out of the home she owned, with her abuser changing the locks.In another she was subject to what could be termed coercive control , refused all affection including sex, being put down and once again financially abused. She has never reported to the police or as far as I know told anyone outside of her circle of friends. She suffers from very low self esteem.
Domestic violence shrinks your world, however if you are already marginalized , poverty, disability, care leaver, spouse of someone respectable etc firstly you are far more likely to be a victim and secondly you will struggle even more to get help.
Just leave ?
85% of victims sought help five times on average from professionals in the year before they got effective help to stop the abuse. It has long been documented that women living with domestic violence are anxious about the involvement of social services.
Examples of poor practice whilst living with abuse included:
- social workers visiting the family home to talk about domestic violence when the perpetrator was present;
- women being told to leave with nowhere to go to;
- the perpetrator not being held accountable for his actions; and
- social workers attributing men’s violence to ‘cultural differences’
After leaving the concerns about social work practice included:
- being made to go to meetings with the perpetrator;
- the perpetrator continuing to make allegations about them which then had to be investigated;and
- being held responsible for his behaviour.
Social services were making me go to meetings with this man. Solace wrote them a letter saying
that he’s high-risk, and in no circumstances should I have to attend meetings… They didn’t
listen… He just flew up off the chair, near enough hitting the table, and went to go for me. And
the social worker had to get in the middle (48, W4).
The dad hit the kids when they were on a visit to him. Social services were called in. We were
all interviewed, and he wasn’t. And it was signed off. But it went on for weeks on end. And I was
made to feel like the perpetrator (FG, W1).Even where women made complaints about poor practice, this did not make a difference.
As soon as you make a complaint against them they make your life hell (48, W3).
Many women expended considerable time and energy battling ‘the system’, and over the course of the study began to comment that their lives were now constrained by structural barriers. Some were even more explicit, arguing that they had swapped one form of control (by the abuser) for another – by the legal, welfare and housing systems.
You’ve battled to keep yourself safe; the children safe… and then there’s another battle with
housing, battle with the courts… it’s a constant battle for everything (FG, W1).
Thirteen long years, that’s how it feels, sort of ten years with him and three years of just battling
the system. You know I’m tired of it, just tired, and I want it to be over (36, W3).
Where women had the support of an advocate, usually via Solace, responses from other agencies improved, but our findings suggest there may be complacency about the extent of change there has been in agency responses.
Leah’s story: Leah is a professional woman,very talented in her field. Her perpetrator is also well thought of, he was in the forces and has several times been commended for bravery. They have a child with special needs. Leah is scared stiff of going to family court despite having won a civil action regarding his abuse. The CAFCASS officer has seen this report but still refuses to recognise the extent of the abuse nor will the police take criminal action. Leah like myself finds that agencies do not look behind the outer image a perpetrator presents, many are superficially charming, humorous,hard working and generous. Worse still agencies side with the perpetrator putting both children and victim at risk.
Family Court
Cases in the family court , like the one were Ellie Butler was handed back into her parents care are decided on the balance of probabilities, that is something is more likely to happened than not or conversely not more likely to happened than not.
Suzie’s story: Suzie was never physically beaten by her ex husband , he had however psychologically abused her, but had called the police when he punched one of her friends, she was fitted with secure locks and was seen as a high risk. During private proceedings, the social worker and CAFCASS both agreed that he should only have supervised contact. He wanted over nights or no contact at all. The judge ordered overnight contact. The children hated going, as their father left them to fend for themselves and got drunk. He paid no maintenance . Once he got into a new relationship he stopped seeing them altogether. Unfortunately his new girlfriend not only was psychologically abused she ended up being stabbed. Should the judge have weighed the case better?
How to stop another child dying
The short answer is you can’t, it is inevitable, but steps can be taken to lessen the chances that another father with a history of violence will kill his own child.
Knowledge is the final piece of the jigsaw. Firstly and most importantly victims do not have the knowledge to recognise signs of abuse when it is happening to them, normally it is not until they get some awareness and recover some self esteem that they do actually realise the extent of the control the perpetrator had over them. Being a victim is the equivalent of floundering into quicksand, you wriggle, shout for help and when none comes you stay still and quiet because every action makes matters far worse.
Professionals also need knowledge, especially being aware that domestic violence is multi faceted and do need to stop victim blaming. The victim needs a comfort blanket not a telling off, once they feel safe they will then be able to reflect, they can’t whilst they are still in fight or flight mode. There also needs huge awareness around the likely impact on the victim’s immediate presentation, they are going to seem unstable initially but once they are clear of the life threatening situation they have been living with they will get well.
Abusers do give out clues, even by watching them walk down the street with their family can be eye opening.
There are systematic failures of sharing of knowledge and evidence in this post Saville era. Police forces do not share reported incidents of child abuse unless there has been an arrest. In my view the failure to have specialist domestic violence courts adds to the problem, some judges simply do not understand, or want to.
Lastly and most importantly there needs to be a change in the public perception towards domestic violence, it needs to be as unacceptable as drink driving and as high profile.
This is an insightful blog and I would be really grateful if you would allow us to share it on our website napo.org.uk. I work for Napo Trade Union and Professional Association for Probation and Family Court Staff. Please let me know if you are happy for this article to be shared more widely.
I am sure Sam would be delighted – we are both keen to organise a larger event to get more people together to discuss these issues, early next year. So any wider sharing of the blog post would be good. If you do share it please link back to the Child Protection Resource Website – Sam I am assuming you will be happy about this, if not please let me or Tania know.
Thanks Sam for sharing this. You are absolutely right that professionals need more training, poor practice is never acceptable, and being asked about abuse in front of a potential perpetrator is dangerous.
There are a lot of complex reasons that people don’t lave abusive relationships and giving the victim responsibility for protecting themselves and their children, when they are a victim of that kind of abuse, is a huge ask. It is unfortunately also often too hard to ask them to report incidences to the police which build a picture of evidence that a court would find useful.
It also troubles me that there aren’t enough perpetrator programmes, one woman (& it usually is a woman) doesn’t do very much for the next relationship the perpetrator moves on to. Most perpetrator programmes are only accessed via the CJS, which means someone needs to be arrested and convicted before they are available.
I have one query: “Police forces do not share reported incidents of child abuse unless there has been an arrest.” I can’t be in the only area where police routinely share all relevant safeguarding information regardless of whether there was an arrest, prosecution or conviction?
Sorry, that should have said one woman leaving.
Helen I was told this by a serving police officer only a couple of weeks ago, so I assume it’d fairly up to date. He told me that each force has a local database and incidents are not shared between forces unless there has been an arrest, in which case it is logged on the police national database. I am happy to be corrected if this is wrong.
I also agree about the perpetrator programmes, It is so short sighted not to deal with this problem in such a haphazard fashion.
That isn’t the case but I suspect not all officers know how that kind of information is shared, just because I had recent experience of that myself trying to find the right department in another LA. It has to be relevant information but it is not just arrests.
Perhaps you can help me then, why do the police and CS not join the dots if there is a history of violence? I do think some of it is administrative problems such as you stated, but there are also preconceptions as well especially amongst the police.
i think this preconceptions are mostly gone now, the culture doesn’t support them in the same way it once did. What does bug me is the police attending a DV incident and saying the child was fine because they showed no signs of distress. Crying is not the only indicator of distress & not crying isn’t great either – it often means children have got used to there being no point crying when people are fighting because they don’t respond.
Since you referred to the Ellie Butler case, I think it is probably true that the SW all knew how violent Ben Butler was. There are questions about that case but they knew he was dangerous. I’m still puzzled as to how that history of violence didn’t meet threshold but I am not a lawyer.
It is probably also true that information sharing isn’t perfect but I won’t inhabit the only LA where I get good intelligence from the police about safeguarding issues. The difficulty is more likely to be the quality of information because anyone can make a police report. It still might mean no evidence.
I suspect – but don’t know as I haven’t ever seen the threshold put before the court in 2012 – that the overwhelming issue was injuries to Ellie as a baby in 2007 and as his criminal conviction was overturned and the Judge found the burns from radiator came from ‘naive parenting’ I suspect there probably wasn’t a whole lot else on the schedule. It may be that the NAI case just overshadowed everything else. Which, in hindsight was a massive, massive mistake.
Thanks for your post,Sam.
Do you think there is any significance in the point i made last week?
This was that Police are keen enough to get involved in domestic violence cases and prosecute offenders EXCEPT when a couple have children. Then they seem to lose interest and pass the buck to the CS by making a referral.
The CS can’t protect families from a violent husband effectively EXCEPT by removing children into care and supervising contact. They don’t have the powers nor do the Family Court.
Another point i would like to make ( which i have made before) is that, in child-protection cases, PC’s are not experienced enough . Child-protection is serious work and domestic violence is serious. Inspector’s should make the enquiries etc. These officers also have a duty to safeguard all evidence and protect families from CS abuse.
CP cases involve CAIU (Child Abuse Investigation Team) they are all detectives, this would include DV cases where children are present for example.
you make this point repeatedly Angelo about getting more senior police officers involved in CP work and I will repeatedly make the same reply – it would be lovely but it would require the police force to probably triple in size. that is never going to happen. the only direction public services are going to go is towards cuts and privatisation. I think we need to focus on making existing systems work better rather than calling for a complete and expensive change which I am sad to say I think is futile to hope for.
I’m not sure why anyone would want the police more involved.
Detective Constables are are junior officers and easily led by CS management.
I think D.I’s or D.C.I’s should take charge of all CP cases not least to protect families involved from system abuse . They would keep tabs on procedural correctness.
You’d have anyone manage a case except CS, not sure how that would help – the police won’t be jumping in any holes, they get really fed up with being treated like social workers.
In my experience the police no matter how senior , are no more likely to take positive action. I do agree Angelo that they are happy to hand over to CS if children are involved and nobody’s been murdered rather than go down the prosecution route. This then of course distorts the evidence in the family court . Others may of course could have a different story.
I also don’t believe the front line bobbies or just as likely PCSO nowadays have sufficient awareness around domestic violence, hence don’t ask the right questions when taking statements ( if they indeed bother) or record physical evidence.
I think sometimes the main feature of domestic abuse, which his about power and control, is overlooked. Now thankfully enshrined in UK law, coercive control is present in abusive relationships a long time before there anything that would come close to physical evidence. I think it is helpful to separate power and control from physcial violence, because the former is achieved via various methods, and sometimes there is no violence.
Physical evidence and a police report are good sources of proof that something happened. They aren’t the characteristics of a high number of DV cases – abuse is hugely unreported, sometimes because of fear, sometimes because a victim has experienced that gradual erosion of self that leaves them doubting everything. Victims withdraw statements also for various reasons, and whilst it is true that the police can prosecute anyway, witnesses are helpful to that process. The police do what the police do, they look for evidence of a crime, they give it to the CPS to see if they enough of the right kind of evidence, and then a decision is made.
Social workers can work with much ‘softer’ information. I realise you won’t have found your SW helpful, but they can assess the risk someone is at and help and their children to be safe. The hardest thing for me is the women who can’t leave (& it usually is women) and who put their children at risk. They are still victims and it takes a long time for some people to reach the point they will leave, even after quite extreme violence.
I see a wider society issue about how we perceive the role of men and the way language is used about domestic violence. For instance I have read a number of newspaper reports when the perpetrators abuse is quoted as out of character especially if for instance they have served in the armed forces and they are praised for their previous bravery.
I can certainly understand your frustration about woman not leaving, I simply don’t think all are capable at that point in time to think rationally. Once again I would like professionals to keep it very simple when discussing options, and they do need real options including safe housing.
I don’t think my story is unique, in that professionals did not listen ( 85% of victims sought help five times on average from professionals in the year before they got effective help to stop the abuse safelives.org.uk). Each time your fears are dismissed it dents your already on the floor confidence and increases your tie to the perpetrator.
I agree with you about media reports, I think our media is horrendous in reporting DV.
Whilst I am frustrated when women don’t leave, I do understand why they don’t. I’ve always got something lined up for them but leaving is a loss, and if you still love someone, that is really tough. Even if you don’t, and your whole sense of self has been eroded it is still tough. There is nothing easy about it.
I don’t think your story is unique either. It is getting better though and that is all we can do, keep trying to make things better.
Sam,Helen talks of making things better. Can you think ,with all your experience and after all your research , of a model for dealing with the dv problem?
Can anyone else?
To start the ball rolling,i’ll make a couple of suggestions which you can discuss if you like.
The CS can do little to solve dv problems nor can the Family Court. They can take children away from both parents but that is harmful in itself. There don’t appear to be many refuges these days.
I feel the Police needs to deal with dv and with coercive control etc. The problem is that they may not have the evidence to charge a man and also in a lot of cases, coercive control and dv are both occurring BUT the woman will not press charges ,she relents even when she may have called the Police herself.When someone else has called them,she will be even less likely to understand the danger of her situation and even less likely to give evidence against the perpetrator and press charges.
Might i suggest that in all cases where charges are not brought, that the Police refer the woman not to the CS but to an experienced dv professional counsellor ( advocate). This person ( preferably another woman) would see the woman ( suspected victim) perhaps a couple of days or a week later outside the home away from the man at a neutral office. The advocate could then get to the truth of the matter and impress on the victim the common experiences of other women and the futility of bearing it and expecting the man to change his ways.It just gets worse. The advocate could suggest escape routes and help her with alternative housing etc. Although no-one has been charged or anything, the dv advocate would have all the help at her fingertips,she will know all the right people to contact and may be able to arrange for alternative accommodation and,if necessary instruct the victim she must keep her address secret. She will have to ‘elope’ away from her husband/partner.
Most of all, the advocate will be looking to keep the children with mother not to ‘rescue’ them and leave Mum behind.
Perhaps the man could be interviewed by a male counsellor advocate too and have measures for dealing with problems suggested to him. Maybe when seen by someone neutral who has no interest in charging him or taking down what he says as ‘evidence’ against him,he might recognise he is wrong with a little persuasion.
Indeed he might genuinely think he needs to control his partner ,he might genuinely think she is mentally ill.He might abhor the violence himself but just can’t control himself. He may resort to loud shouting and throwing plates( threats) to stop himsel;f striking out. Who knows?
I expect howls of derision at this suggestion but you never know,he might not be all bad. Someone has to say something in his favour!
Angelo It really is not about violence, it is about control. They can turn the behaviour on and off especially when others are present. They very much can stop themselves. They can and do run rings around professionals.
There is a dearth of perpetrator programmes. Sarah has been engaging with people on twitter who are doing the research and are involved in those programmes.
My experience of what is measured and what is effective is a 28 week programme, usually but not always accessed via the CJS (which means there needs to have been a conviction). Some LAs have access to one without. The research I have read indicates this is the kind of programme that changes values and attitudes in a way that can become entrenched.
I don’t think anyone is saying anyone is all bad, there is always a reason that someone behaves the way they do.
Perpetrators are very clever and would convince a counsellor they are remorseful very easily, because that is what they do to their victims on a regular basis. Domestic abuse is about power and control
Those things happen already, there are brilliant advocacy services and programmes for women who experience DV. They can be accessed via CS but do not have to be.
There are refuges (unfortunately the victim often does give out the address).
I think it is really tough to ask the victim of DV to keep a child safe, if we say to keep them safe they have to leave someone they love. The risks however are not abstract so sometimes children do need to be protected from them.
If ther are so many brilliant advocacy services available, i suggest the Police should keep a full list and make a top priority referral to one local to every woman who they have been involved with in respect to a domestic dispute. Especially when there is not enough evidence for them to take legal action against the suspected perpetrator.
Sam , i totally agree with you about coercive control and to the cleverness of these men. However, i cannot help thinking that the chappy on the Archers is severely flawed mentally and needs extensive and prolonged help to make him change his mentality. His whole approach to anyone who disagrees with him ,not only his partner and the child ,is one of extreme aggression.The CS and the Family Court cannot change him.
II think these perpetrators of abuse need a friendly local male advocate to convince them of their folly and of their need to correct their attitudes. They need therapy! If the Police can’t charge them , the criminal court cannot enforce reform, the Family Court is toothless and unable to force him. The CS aren’t able to reform him,they can only focus on the children. Indeed, as you have found, they can be taken in too.
The Police should make a referral to an advocacy service for the man aswell as one for the woman.
The woman’s advocate should explain the realities of coercive control to the suspect ed victim enabling her to recognise and understand fully what she is being subjected to. She needs to be presented with solutions which are going to provide immediate relief. Maybe the Police could also be ordered to arrange for regular home-visits by the Community ‘bobbies’ ( not real policemen) who can keep a cap on things . Even if there is not enough evidence to charge the husband, they can assist the collection of evidence against him. Surely ,at the very least , he is guilty of anti-social behaviour and they might be able to go down the ASBO route.
These are all simply suggestions ( but simple ones too).
Angelo. that on the whole is an excellent suggestion. You are right the useful way of dealing with the aftermath is talking to other people who had been victims also. The only point I disagree with is that the woman has to elope. I was actually thinking this over today, why should the woman have to leave her home especially when children have to leave their friends/school etc. Back to the use of language again, it is often said why doesn’t she just leave. There are court orders that can be applied for such as prohibited steps, but I and I am sure other victims did not have a clue they existed until it was too late.
There often isn’t enough evidence for an order and orders mean nothing when someone carries on seeing the perpetrator anyway.
I agree that women shouldn’t have to leave, and if they decide to stay in a situation that is unsafe for them that is one thing, nobody can tel adults not to be in a relationship with each other. A child in that situation though, someone has to be thinking about them, and sometimes they cannot be in that situation.
Whatever Mum decides is up to her. Either ‘elope’ or get an anti-molestation order. She must keep the child/children safe to satisfy the CS.
But first of all,she must realise fully the seriousness of coercive control etc. and the solutions. Hence my suggestion that the POLICE get the advocate for her as a matter of priority. The advocate would have to be on an approved list at the Police station just as they have approved solicitors etc. Depending on feedback they receive from the advocate service, they may not have to make an official child-in-need referral anyway.The CS often just make things worse.
If there is not enough evidence to prosecute or if Mum doesn’t want to prosecute,the advocate will be able to assist her in getting the less-agressive anti-molestation order for which she will need less evidence.
In some cases, as pointed out helpfully by Helen, mum will ,even after advocacy, retain a level of attachment and dare i say love for her husband; as she says that is understandable too.
In such a case, it should be emphasised by advocates that it is possible and very helpful that separation can be temporary whilst reasons for the apparent incompatibility of the relationship are addressed and MH problems healed. Trial separations need not lead to permanent divorce. Six months or a year for partners to relax and take stock away from one another may perhaps be essential, though and will soon pass. Respite from one another ,if you like. During that time,both will come to their own conclusions about divorce proceedings independently in the absence of coercion.
If a trial separation is arranged, it must be a friendly one. For that reason, some sort of convention should be set in common law. Both parties must be made fully aware of the convention by their respective advocates. I suggest the convention should be that ,in all cases of trial separation, it is in the paramount interests of children that the husband ( or partner) is the one expected to find alternative accommodation and that children are to remain in the care of mother. Mother to listen to the advocates advice and be the one who decides on contact. If the husband understands these convention rules he will not waste his time applying for court orders and so on. He will have to accept that the attachment with mother is more vital to a child than the one with himself. Dads often work away or are in the army and children are equipped to deal with it .Not so the absence of Mum.
I hope these ideas are constructive although Helen might accuse me of gender bias (whatever that is).
I don’t think you understand how perpetuators of domestic abuse operate. .
There is a gender bias, perpetrators are most often men, so the riskier adult.
Victims are often not married to the perpetrator
I understand just as much as you all,Helen.Most of all,i understand that all cases are different! Some of my suggestions will apply in some cases but not in others.
Please give me the credit of having some nous.You have also accused me of not understanding the meaning of the word ‘corrupt’.
Please also see Sam’s comment.
Angelo I really do appreciate your comments, but what you are actually illustrating is lack of knowledge as many do about the dynamics of domestic violence. It actually proves my point that there is a general lack of understanding that leads to further harm to children and the victim. It is not a criticism;how on earth are you supposed to know as even many professionals don’t.
The perpetrator may have mental health issues, but that is not why they abuse. After all most people with mental health problems are more likely to be victims of crime rather than criminals. Mental health is far more likely to cause a person to isolate than be violent to others. In simplest terms they abuse because it gives them a high, they temporarily feel good about themselves, in a similar way to any bully. They enjoy exerting control over another human and will do practically anything to maintain that control. It is not possible to have a friendly separation as the victim is most at risk of being killed on separation.
Thanks for your reply,Sam but when i spoke of trial,friendly separations i was merely reacting to Helen’s suggestion that in some cases a mother may not want to sever contact with her partner. All cases are different. Hopefully, the advocate will be able to explain the issues of co-ercive control and acquaint the victim with all the realities you talk about. In less serious cases, a trial separation might help,who knows?
At least it would be better than having the CS pile in to remove the child from his or her Mum.
I really think it should be the Police who make a referral to the advocate because every parent i have asked has told me that the CS do not inform them of the availability of advocacy services and their rights to one.
The police and CS give victims information about DV services when they are involved but not really sure how the police are getting involved often enough for this to make a difference. A high level of incidences don’t get reported to the police, this doesn’t mean that children aren’t at risk.
Victims don’t need anyone to make a referral for them, they can self refer, and the police give them this informant.
If there is a safeguarding issue they have to make a referral to CS. I think you underestimate the impact of domestic abuse upon children. It is very frightening for them.
Helen,I recognise why they make the referrals to the CS but also that the LA and Family Courts can do little for the family apart from blowing it apart and taking the children into care. This is their preferred course of action,it seems.
This is why i am suggesting an alternative and that Police should refer to an advocate. The advocate might even be an experienced marriage guidance counsellor aswell as a coercive control expert.
Incidentally,the Police Protection Department will have already taken decisions about the danger to children in proportion to the circumstances of each case .This is in line with their over-arching duty to protect children from harm. If they think the children are at risk of harm, they can charge a perpetrator.
When they make a referral to the LA , it is to get support for the family.It is the LA’s duty to provide support.
See below regarding support given in DV cases.
The police refer to CS for SAFEGUARDING reasons.
Charging a perpetrator doesn’t remove them from the scene.
The police are rarely involved because reports are not made to the police, DV is highly under-reported.
Here the cases which are discussed are often those which go to court, most of mine don’t, and where there is DV in those cases part of the CP plan will be work with a domestic abuse agency. There are some victims who undertake that work and separate from their partner. In some cases children continue to be at risk and then cases do have to go to court, this is very unfortunate but even if the police were some kind of substitute for CS, I think this would still be the case.
Marriage guidance would be as dangerous as anger management in domestic abuse cases, it would leave the victims more vulnerable and in more danger.
I am glad that Helen is emphasising how dangerous the perpetrators are. My ex even fooled domestic violence support workers with his sob story , once again this is not unusual. At another time I had unqualified people interfere with the situation, thinking they were “helping” and it delayed me fleeing for a very long period of time
Should a couple decide on divorce with or without a trial separation first, then the custody question would be decided by the Divorce Court and both parents will be advised by their respective divorce lawyers. The Family Court will not need to be involved,a good thing for all concerned.
Well,i have made some suggestions .
Main one- Police to make urgent priority referral to an advocate to support Mum .The aim – to explain the realities of dv and coercive control to her.
Second one- convention rules to be set – father to be the one who finds alternative acommodation -Mum to have custody of children normally. Contacts to be decided on by Mum.
I am sure one of you will have better ideas.